So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
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During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
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I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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