Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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