Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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