I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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