matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
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my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
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I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
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