see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
