I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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