Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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