nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I AM VODKA MAN
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
