My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
