Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
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