I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
