8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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