Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
