hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
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yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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