Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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