tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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