I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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