Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Randomize
