Your dad touched me again.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
