My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
