My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
