if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
