my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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