You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
