if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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