we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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