Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
