I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I need mimosas to revive my soul
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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