Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
