Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.