also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
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my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
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He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.