Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring