he wants to bone in the snuggie
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
