I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
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My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
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She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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