the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I just gargled with NyQuil
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
