I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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