dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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