Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
