Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
If that was your dad, he is hot
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
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