...so i touched it.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
