I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
