she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
