I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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