Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
