I just saw a hot homeless man
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
