So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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