Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
