wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
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