i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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