We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
