Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
