Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
