i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
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