New invention idea: vibrating tampons
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
There's even glitter on my cock...
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