How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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